


I Should Have Been There

by Oranakka



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Eventual Romance, F/M, Love, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 15:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oranakka/pseuds/Oranakka
Summary: One shot set after 6x02. Spoiler for this episode.She should have been there for him, after such a terrible day. Jay is alone, but after a year apart, Erin finally calls.





	I Should Have Been There

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there. This one-shot was posted a while ago on another website, but I had never taken the time to do it here. This is set after the crossover event in 6x02, so it contains spoiler for this episode. Hope you'll like it, feel free to review and tell me what you think :)

Pat Halstead was proud of his son. He had never showed it, never said anything. He was probably too proud to admit it, because it’s true, he had never wished for Jay to become a cop, or even a ranger before that. But he could see that his son was happy with his job, doing something good, and that was enough for him to be happy and proud of him. In the end, it was just a story about egos. They had just never been able to get along.

It was just very unfortunate that it took the death of Pat for Jay to realize everything. A beer in his hand, he was sitting on his couch, almost lifeless. His life was replaying in his head, he was thinking about what he had done, what he had not done. He didn’t even know what he was feeling: Sadness? Tiredness? Anger? Remorses? It was probably a mix of them all. Jay had also fought with Will, and even though he knew his brother wouldn’t hate him for what he had said, he couldn’t help but regretting it now. 

Jay was staring into space, and for the first time of the day, he finally let his emotions take over. A tear escaped, a second, a third. He suddenly couldn’t stop crying. It had been years he had not cried like that. Not even when Erin had left, not even when cases had hit him hard. The last time was when his mother had passed away. And now it was his dad. His dad was gone too, and Jay felt helpless, lost, distressed. 

The TV was off, he wasn’t even watching the Cubs game. He knew they were playing, of course he knew. He had always been a Cubs’ supporter, a fan. He had gone to Wrigley Field more times than he could count, especially when he was a kid, before everything fell apart. He could remember these days when his mom and his dad, still hopelessly in love, would take him and his brother to the game for a family afternoon. So, as much as he wanted to see the Cubs winning, he just couldn’t turn the TV on tonight. It was bringing back too many memories. 

He had sweat pants on and an old tee-shirt from the police academy, he was actually considering falling asleep on his couch for the night. He didn’t want to move, he was too lazy, too tired to move to bed, even though it was only a few feet away. It was the second, or maybe the third beer of the evening he was nursing. Even though he could hold his liquor pretty well, he knew that tonight wasn’t one of these nights he should push too far. His mood was shifting: One second he was angry, the second he was desperate, and the third tired.

His phone was on silence mode, he was fed up with the constant calls and texts from people worrying about him or saying how sorry they were for his loss. Even people he had not seen in years, had not talked to in months were sending their condolences, and sometimes when his phone would light up, he would chuckle at the amount of “friends” he suddenly had. 

What he had not expect, though, was a sudden FaceTime call from Erin Lindsay. It caught him off guards, and by the time he could sit up and wipe the tears off of his face, the call had ended. He had not heard from her in a year and he really didn’t know if he wanted to talk to her. But a second call made him decide otherwise and he decided to accept it. Her face popped on his screen, and he instantly felt it was a mistake, that he shouldn’t have answered. She had not really changed. Her hair was in a messy bun, her eyes were tired, and her smile was soothing. 

“Hey, Jay…” she said, her voice always so soft. “I…” she didn’t know what to say. “I heard.”

Jay didn't even answer. She could see him, so he just shrugged. 

“How are you holding up?” she asked.  
“I don’t know. I’m not sure.” he answered, honest.

For half a second, he had imagined wearing a mask, hiding his true feelings, but he knew it wouldn’t have worked. It was Erin Lindsay he was talking to, his ex-girlfriend, the only woman who was able to read him like a map. 

“I went through his stuff a few hours ago. He had kept a news article talking about me. He was proud of me, he was actually proud of me.” he continued, a sad chuckle in his voice.  
“He couldn’t not be proud” Erin said.  
“Why didn’t he ever showed me his pride then? Why was he always fighting with me? Why were we always at odds?” Jay asked, his voice breaking.  
“I don’t know. Maybe because you were too much alike. Or maybe because he could see in you what he had always hoped he would accomplish but he didn't.” she told him.  
“How would you know? You never met him.” he said, a little annoyed.  
“I never needed to meet him. You never let me meet him, but the way you were talking about him…” 

Erin didn’t really know what to say, she didn’t even finish her sentence.

“Maybe… I guess I’ll never know now.” he answered.  
“Don’t do that to yourself…” she pleaded.  
“Don’t do what? I actually fought with my dad. I told him he was a prick. That’s the last words I told my dad, Erin… Instead of telling him that I love him, I told him he was a prick.”  
“Your relationship with your father was too complicated, you would never have told him you love him anyway.”  
“But that doesn’t change anything. The last thought he had of me was the one of a selfish son insulting his father. I will never forgive myself for that.”  
“I’m sure you will. You have a good heart Jay, you are good.”  
“Yeah… That’s why you left without a word. Because I’m good…” Jay declared, suddenly angry.  
“You know I didn’t have a choice, Jay…” Erin continued, impassive. “Of all the things and persons I left behind, you’re the only one I never managed to forget.”  
“But it took the death of my father for you to finally call me.” he said sarcastically.  
“It isn’t that easy, you know. I’ve tried many times to call you. Many times, I pressed “call” and immediately hung up.” she admitted.  
“Why? Do you know how many times I would have needed you in the past year? How many times Voight would have needed you? How many times Intelligence would have needed you?”

Jay was starting to be angry. His voice was harsh, his eyes were dark. Through the phone, he was looking at Erin in the eyes, showing her all his anger, deception and sadness. Flashbacks were coming, from the night he was about to propose, from the night he had come to her apartment, their apartment, just to find out that her stuff had disappeared and she was gone. 

“I know. I should have been there, I’m sorry I wasn’t.” Erin murmured.  
“That’s not enough…” Jay answered. “How did you learn anyway, about my father?”  
“Nathalie called.”  
“You are still talking to Nathalie?” Jay raised an eyebrow.  
“Not really, but we texted a few times, she was keeping me updated on how you are doing.” 

Jay shook his head and laughed. He was tired, sad, and mad, really mad. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Erin and never dared calling him, apologizing, or anything else for that matter, but she was still talking to Nathalie. 

“So, I guess you know that she and Will are engaged…” he said bitterly. “And that she is wearing my mother’s ring, the ring I was supposed to give you before you left…”

He saw Erin open her mouth, and then close it. She seemed surprised, shocked. He saw her gulp, and he saw her eyes getting wet. She opened her mouth one more time, and closed it again. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t know what to say. The silence between the two was heavy.

“I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have come out that way, it shouldn’t have come out at all” he sighed.  
“Were you… really?” she asked.  
“Yes, Erin. That’s why I took it hard when you left, and I still take it hard.”  
“I had no idea…” she admitted.  
“Are you actually saying that if you had known I was about to propose, you would have stayed? Come on, Erin…”  
“I don’t know, Jay. And it’s not as if I could do everything over again. But we were barely talking at the time, you had left the apartment, to think or God knows what. Your not-so ex-wife was back in your life, ex-wife I had never heard of before. And suddenly, I couldn’t stay in the CPD anymore. What choice did I have?”  
“Talk, maybe? You know, the thing that we were never good at?” Jay hinted.

Erin chuckled. She knew he was right. They were both terrible at expressing their feelings and at talking. That had always been a problem in their relationship, that was probably the reason of them falling apart. 

“Yeah. I know, we’ve never been good at talking. I wish we were better at this.” Erin conceded.  
“Sometimes, I still wish we could start over…” Jay murmured, not sure he wanted Erin to hear that.

There was a silence between the two former lovers. They weren’t sure they could say anything. The mood had shifted. Erin had just called to say how sorry she was for his lost, but she should have known that calling him after more than a year would have been awkward. She was suddenly wondering if she should have called at all. She wished too, that they could start over. But they were living hundreds of miles apart now, and there was no way she could and would come back to Chicago, as much as she missed the atmosphere of this city. 

“Do you…” Erin started, unsure. “…want to come to New York, for a few days?”

Jay raised an eyebrow. She had not answered his previous statement, but she was suddenly inviting him to New York. 

“We could try and talk, for once…” she offered.  
“I don’t know…” Jay said. “Is that a good idea?”  
“Why not? There is no commitment of any sort. You could just come clear your head, get a change of air.”

Jay really didn’t know. He was torn apart. He wanted to clear his head, and he knew that despite everything, Erin was here for him, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to see her again. Since they had started talking over FaceTime, his heart was pounding, he wasn’t sure of his words, the definite proof that he wasn’t over her despite what he was pretending. He knew that if he was going to New York, there was a chance everything would start again between the two of them, but he wasn’t sure his heart could stand another break up, another false hope. And she was living in New York now, he was still living in Chicago. It just couldn’t work. Erin could see the look of hesitation in his eyes.

“What bothers you?” she asked.  
“You…” he answered, a little too honest. “I don’t know if I… if my heart can stand seeing you again. You broke me too hard.”  
“It’s funny, because I never thought I would say that, but I broke myself in the meantime” she told him.  
“Why does it always take one of us to be broken to finally talk?” he asked her. 

The last time they had talked like that was when Erin had hit rock bottom with Nadia’s death, and now that Jay had lost his dad, they were talking again. It was as if only tragedy could reunite them, as if they needed to fall apart to find peace together. It wasn’t making any sense to him, but there was this pattern that was drawing around their relation that they couldn’t quite understand.

“I don’t know. Maybe we are too… something. I don’t know. Will you, come?” she asked again.  
“Yeah. I’ll talk to Voight, ask for a few days off. After everything, I’m sure he won’t mind.”  
“Okay, good. Tell me when you come. I’ll pick you up at the airport.” 

Jay nodded. He still wasn’t sure he should do it, but whatever would happen between them, maybe it would help him heal. His shrink had told him, several times, to try and get closure, whether it was for his relation with his dad, with Erin, or for anything else for that matter. So yes, he knew it was the right decision to make. He would go to New York, and whatever would happen, he would feel better afterwards.


End file.
